No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
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“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*weighs self after shaving
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it