Him: Favorite animal?
Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?