No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*


I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey


The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.


The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.


*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!


GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now


Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*


Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.

Hate on Americans for not learning English.


Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance


There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.