No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

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*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.


Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free


My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.


Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?


Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?


Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.


Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend


Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.


Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.


Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?