No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Barbie gone wild
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*