I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
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Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Customer is always right
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.