@theshamingofjay

No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.

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@davidschneider

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

@stevevsninjas

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

@KateWhineHall

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

@dave_cactus

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@DrakeGatsby

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

@daemonic3

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

@david8hughes

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”