Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.