Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun
How’s your summer going?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.