It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.
No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.
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a little too long, but basically a perfect tweet
*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.