Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
You Might Also Like
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.