No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them


therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma


I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.


“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.


[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are


Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?


Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”


I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.