“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
So inspired right now.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer