no their not
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up