@werehedgehog

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

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@SvnSxty

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

@JeffisTallguy

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

@scorpicpanda

{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience}

“Have you seen my charger?”

@noog

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

@AdamBroud

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

@RodLacroix

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

@Alex_Houseof308

Doctor: So we want to ask if you can donate one of your kidneys

Me:

Doctor: Sir?

Me: M…my mummy has counted it

@TheAlexNevil

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

@bourgeoisalien

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.