No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
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Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
WTF
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.