No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. ūüôā

*later to thugs* They know too much.

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WIFE: omg the FBI

ME: thats just female body inspectors

W: why are they here

M: probably all those female bodies we buried

W: o yah lol


Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!


The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.


I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.


Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.


Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.