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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Y’all know who you are.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.