No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!