No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.