No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

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[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim


something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts


I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.


Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.


20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything


My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]


*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really


The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”


When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.


My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime