Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
You Might Also Like
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
The first rule of Fight Club is till death do us part.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
It’s not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”