No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
When I can’t barge, I careen.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting