No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

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Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests


May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean


Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor


Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”


When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.


Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.


Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.


Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?


Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”