@carebear4647

No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

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@daemonic3

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@DaddyJew

Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor

@ilovepie84

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@horacedodge

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

@badbanana

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

@ItsAndyRyan

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”