No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*


If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.


If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.


Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”


*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*


Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew


Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread


Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*


Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.