cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
consequences, the bane of my existence
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this