No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Incredible customer service.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Bloody internet 😳
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Me irl
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…