“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one