me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.
Me: *Opens sun roof*
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.