@SnarkyMommy78

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

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@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@Otter_News

If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
#SteveThoughts

@Darlainky

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

@realHamOnWry

Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*

@ArfMeasures

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@mrjohndarby

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

@chrisdowning

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.