No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
…u ok Nintendo?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.