“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.