“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
You Might Also Like
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.