No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?