No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers