No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I occasionally drink every single night.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
everyone has that one prude friend
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.