@wolfmannjr

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

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@Thynebear

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

@FunnyBison

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@SirEviscerate

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@BCMontgo

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.