No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The Book. The Movie.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.