No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what