@Cool_Jesse

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

@NotJPo

I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.

@Doyle_McLain

BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!

Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!

@Social_Mime

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

@cepheusjackson

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

@Tmoney68

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

@ThaJawn

I grew up on cartoon violence

So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about

@BuckyIsotope

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.