It’s not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you’ve missed your exit by 37 states.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.
Not the best name for an apple employee.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– vibe killer
Saying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can’t even make this up