Jesus: Hold my wine!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.
BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!
Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I grew up on cartoon violence
So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.