@Cool_Jesse

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

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@jergarl

It’s not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you’ve missed your exit by 37 states.

@fro_vo

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

@WilliamAder

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

@david8hughes

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up