“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I ate everything, including the H.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
reviewed some movies recently
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here