barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
huge if true: the moon
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
There’s only one good girl here!
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Jogging
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?