No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed


HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do


When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.


Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill


Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.


Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?


Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?



Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?


one time my friend heard that i had the flu & proceeded to tell me that he never got sick &, in fact, he was so healthy he hadn’t been sick in years, so i gently placed my hand on his shoulder, looked him directly in the eyes & whispered, “you’re sick in a different way.”