@jellybnbonanza

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

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@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

@AddledPixie

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

@thomas_violence

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

@DaHess1

My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can’t decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

@jsteele3966

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@rickygervais

A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa

@MikeCanRant

There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.