My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
Not much I can do
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
one time my friend heard that i had the flu & proceeded to tell me that he never got sick &, in fact, he was so healthy he hadn’t been sick in years, so i gently placed my hand on his shoulder, looked him directly in the eyes & whispered, “you’re sick in a different way.”