1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
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I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can’t decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa
There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.