“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo