@freedom2726

No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.

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@AskinWayne

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell

@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

@KalvinMacleod

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

@Ah_kee_oh

No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

@iGreenMonk

Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

@noogscorner

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

@jergarl

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.