I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell
No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
*slips into milk bath* *starts drinking*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.
Some people hear voices..
Some see invisible people..
Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?
Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.
8: I’m telling mom.