[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Challenge accepted.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance