Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe
I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…
So how much do I have to drink beforehand?