@stockejock

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

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@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@trojansauce

origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe

@treydayway

I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.

@MatCro

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

@drayzze

Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?