No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry