No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

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Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”


[first date]

*don’t let her know you’re a huge Lionel Richie fan or that you’re Waldo*

Her: Hi!

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”


[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?


DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay


Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.


Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting


[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”


Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*


Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.


My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.