No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Cannot stop laughing at this
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Same post same
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory