No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
How I’d get arrested…
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”