No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
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Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!