@theregoesrichie

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

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@leshnevsky

Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@Ivsy01

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

@UncleDuke1969

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

@dumbbeezie

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

@myles_morrison

Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.

@Jordan_Morris

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt