A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.
So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.
And that’s how the fight started.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo