@theregoesrichie

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

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@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

@iinkedZombie

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

@WeissBrandon

My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.

So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.

And that’s how the fight started.

@imallwritecom

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

@skittle624

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

@mattingebretson

Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair

@gitson_shiggles

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

@PrestoVision

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo