@AmishPornStar1

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

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@mela_shea

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

@naughtygeisha3

Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend’s cat or dog it’s like all the appreciation goes out the window.

@mom_tho

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

@C00LpenNAME

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

@dumbbeezie

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.