“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad