“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff