My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
You Might Also Like
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies