“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.