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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can鈥檛 decide if I want to sit on the bride鈥檚 side or groom鈥檚 side because that鈥檚 basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn鈥檛 graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn鈥檛 sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn鈥檛 use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
馃珷
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you鈥檇 get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I鈥檓 their teacher.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 馃槉
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
my best friend and i made a pact that if we鈥檙e both still single when we鈥檙e 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I鈥檓 never sure what to do with my eyes when I鈥檓 at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.