Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Message from the dog groomers
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face