Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.