Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
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The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.