@tomcashgent

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

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@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@ruinedpicnic

me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter

@Cheeseboy22

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

@hippieswordfish

ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again

@FatherWithTwins

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

@JimmerThatisAll

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

@bighandsmassuer

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

@Marlebean

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!