Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds


me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter


I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.


ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again


People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”


Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?


If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take


It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!