Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe