Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked