called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
You Might Also Like
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Mad Max Arctic Road
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!