If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Beware of the dog..
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t