NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses