Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.


Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.


Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don’t worry, they’re just numbers.


Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.


Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*


Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.



Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”


I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.