Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
can’t bark with your mouth full
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”