Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

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me: this haunted house is so scary


me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad



Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.


The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.


employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]


For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”


Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?


Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.



2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing


Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”