@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

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@daddydoubts

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

@DurtMcHurtt

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

@jon_albo

Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don’t worry, they’re just numbers.

@Lhlodder

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

@KMoFlo_official

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

@williamsonnier

Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
More.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.