[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?

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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more


when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)


I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”


If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away


78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.


It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.


“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.


My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.


When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.