“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
fair
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Sign of the day..
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣