@Playing_Dad

[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX

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@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@imdaintyaf

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@JD_Barney

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”

@MrGeorgeWallace

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

@findmydolls

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

@MomofTeen

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

@mollzbenn

“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.

@JPHaddadio

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

@Desert_Musings

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.